Angels in New York

Today I find myself nursing a completely irrational, absolutely unrealistic crush. They are famous people, some of them, actors all, and we've never met. You know the story. And I know it will fade! I know I am bewitched by the roles as much as the people. But that's also part of the magic of the theater, so much more intimate a form of communication than the cold dead touch of celluloid could ever be. To watch someone, several someones actually, giving their all to make a story come to life, working for a full eight hours, throwing themselves against the metaphorical and literal wall in order to make a story come to life for you? Putting themselves heart and mind into another person's circumstances and trying to imagine how they would feel and behave if they were in this person's shoes from day one of life? It's very much a gift. And so yes, I'm being coy about my fanboy feelings, and yet, a couple of days after seeing both parts of Angels In America at The Neil Simon Theatre and letting the experience continue to wash over and affect me, I do have a new and very real devotion for these actors, and this story.

And yes, Andrew Garfield has a particular appeal in the way that a lanky and sensitive gent who is giving the performance of a lifetime can have on another sensitive and not so lanky gent. It helps that this is an incredible role he is playing, that of Prior Walter. In my opinion, Prior, and not Roy Cohn, is the part to covet. Sure Roy is an incredible monster, a train wreck of a part that one can't help but watch greedily, but Prior is the heart of the story. Open hearted, thriving in his world, completely at home in all his complexity. He's a rebel in a way that I will never be, defiantly being an out gay male in a world where the majority of people (even the liberals!) were still figuring out how they felt about gay people. Most people at that time, and even ten years later, had thoughts like "Good people the gays? Sure. What two people do in their bedroom? Nobody's business. Kind people? Sometimes the kindest. Artistic! Creative! But would I want to be one? Never. Why put yourself through that? And confused!! Living a life where they can never be the gender they want to be, uncomfortable in their own skin, and performing a role for us, pretending they have parts they do not have to avoid being their true selves. And life can fuck you up. Childhood can fuck you up. But do these flaws, these things that they are, whether their fault or not, do they mean I should let them be near my children to unknowingly communicate that sickness to little souls still forming? I can't do that to my kid."

Of course now, many of us are coming to the belief that the soul, or our DNA, that which makes us up, comes into this world, already formed. Pliable, and shapable like a newborns soft spot at the back of her skull, but there is no doubting that from the beginning, there is a "there" there.

This is not the world of Prior, and more than that, there is a war on. And those most afflicted and affected by it are not winning that war. But Prior is fighting that war, against a disease and a culture, telling the world to fuck off because he is going to love the person he cares for in a public way, just like everybody else gets to. Because that declaration is a very important part of the act of loving. And then we discover that this "fabulous creature", this supportive boyfriend, lover of the past, this fierce spirit, this kindred spirit, is afflicted. And we, the audience proceed to go on this eight hour journey with him, watching him from afar, and yet feeling like our finger tips are just inches from his own, and that if we extended them far enough we would grab onto his hand and walk every step with him, while at the same time we wonder if we would. We wonder if we would have Prior's strength if life had not handed us his fate. We want to be him at the same time that we fear we are his treacherous, hand wringing companion. And if the person bringing Walter to life is doing his work, we love him. You can't help, but love him. And it's a strange kind of love because you admire this actor because you know he is performing an illusion. He is not gay. Does not really know this undeniable fact of Prior's life from the inside out. And as a gay person, some piece of me wished he was gay so I could feel like he was truly reaching out to me and saying "I understand. I am like you, and I will take this journey for you." And yet, when you stop and think about it, that's exactly what he is doing. He is saying "I have been in circumstances where I felt lost, I often feel like I am fighting a world that doesn't understand me, and as much as I can, and I will take this journey for you". I mean anyone who plays anyone, even their own self on stage, is taking a leap to understand something they are not, or no longer are. And so, eight hours after watching this man undergo a willing obstacle course of imaginary nightmares and heartbreak, terror and revelation, and after his gracious and humble curtain speech worthy of Hugh Grant at his most charmingly chagrined, I am left, days later with the gentle reverberations of his efforts.

And of all their efforts. For everyone in this performance is putting their entire lifetimes into these parts. Their efforts and Kushner's will be rewarded by connecting with and winning the heart of a different member of the audience, for every individual seeing this play will see a different story, and view it through different eyes. Those who see themselves as innocent seekers will find comfort in Prior or Harper. The mothers will likely thank Hannah Pitt for the stoic way in which she suffers the sins of her child and braves connection with those so little like her on the surface.  Those still struggling with their sexuality may latch on to Joe or to Roy, and those who lived through this time and gave more than they felt they were capable of will understand too well what Belize and Louis are experiencing.

These are people who's stories were not being told in this way twenty-five years ago. And now? These stories need to continue to be told. And not just Prior's. Not just Roy's. Or Louis's, or Joe's. The way that we can honor these feelings of admiration, goodwill and gratitude that we are left with is to to speak about this story, and and to honor those who people it. To broaden that support to stories in which the Hannah's, the Belize's and the Harper's of the world get told more fully and can inspire the attention and effort which supports writers who's hearts are pouring out the words which allow these other untold stories to take center stage.

Golden Guest Stars At MOMI

If you are a muppet fan, and have not been to any of the monthly screenings at The Museum Of The Moving Image, you need to get over whatever obstacles have kept you away, and get to Astoria. Craig Shemin, President of The Jim Henson Legacy, and his lovely wife Stephanie D'Abruzzo put together really rare and wonderful clips which are so exciting to see on the big screen. Today's screening features Oscar winners and nominees who appeared on The Muppet Show, including Liza Minnelli. Now, I really doubt that they will play the entire episode in which she appeared (a film noir parody in which muppets drop to their deaths like so many flocked flies) but I will gleefully and greedily consume whatever they exhibit.

Proceed From Joy

"Be splendid tonight, be focused, have fun, make theater: That's our way of repudiating the bullies, the killjoys, the busybodies and blowhards. We know the secret of making art, while they only know the minor secret of making mischief. We proceed from joy, they only have their misery." - from Tony Kushner to the staff of the Charlotte Rep, facing possible closure of their production of Angels in America in North Carolina (and as excerpted from The World Only Spins Forward: The Ascent Of Angels In America by Isaac Butler and Dan Kois

Cathy Dresden is a "Midtown Moment"

 Was excited to be a "Midtown Moment" with the incredibly charismatic Carolyn Fox, discussing the upcoming March 24th performance of Cathy Dresden: An Old Fashioned Girl at Pangea in the East Village. Tickets available here https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/3339050

Is It A Rock Band???

Last Wednesday I did something pretty atypical for me. I stopped by the local gay bar on the way home around 6PM and ordered a drink. It was Happy Hour after all, and I figured that there would be a solid group of people taking advantage of two for one drinks, and yet... it was me, the owner, the bartender, and a regular who seemed more staff than patron. And yet, I've always been one to dive into social situations head first. So after about fifteen minutes of solitary sitting, watching them gab amongst themselves, I got a notification for discounted tickets to the upcoming revival of Angels in America, a production that had begun in London and is headed to New York, and which I'm frankly, very excited to see. So I thought to myself, "here's an easy icebreaker, I'll bring up the new revival and we'll have a lively theatrical discussion." But the response? Quizzical looks, and a tilted head from the bartender as he asked "Is that a band?" The bartender asked.

The owner, who is old enough, didn't know it either. And to be fair, while I feel like the play is ever present, it has been 25 years since it premiered on Broadway.  The patron though? The one who had been playing on his laptop? He had heard of it, and I felt a little vindicated. And yet, I'm still a little surprised, as this is considered the greatest American play in the past quarter of a century. But then, maybe it didn't matter.  maybe people today, even gay people, aren't as culturally aware as I would think.  I mean, I didn't think to toss out A Streetcar Named Desire and see what reaction that would have gotten. I would like to think that more people would have heard of that, but in truth, I don't know that they would have. And shouldn't they? 

I first saw the play around 1998, ironically, with a girl I had been seeing for a while. And it was a strange experience to see. It was a glimpse at a distasteful world. A world I didn't quite grasp, in spite of the fact that in my reality, I was reaching toward it with one hand and pushing it away with another. Holding hands with a man in the park as we chat about Come Back Little Sheba? Lounging around in full drag? Having random sex with a leather daddy? Embracing the full force of my feminine side in the daylight, owning every ounce of me?  I couldn't see it. Didn't want to. Would not be going there. Ever. And of all the characters, if I related to any, I related to Harper, the Mormon mother in denial who slowly but surely inched her way into a new and open way of being. Strange that I didn't see myself in Joe Pitt. And yet, I think I saw him as too far above me. Better looking than me, more manly than me, more chiseled, ramrod straight and respectable. All things I had never really succeeded at being. But, like Joe, I saw myself as above gay culture. They were the victims, thy were the weak ones. Weren't they? They luxuriated in femininity and vulnerability. Didn't they?

And I had already upon seeing this play experienced the giddy, floor shaking experience of a really great kiss from a man, but I did not consider myself gay, because I had not completely given into camp, into ceaseless emoting, into gooey public intimacy with a man as if we were romantic. 

And yet, now? I have done a version of every single one of those things that I cringed at before. And those that I haven't? Those are the experiences I long for. A long term relationship with one that I know intimately from day to day? I want that. That thing that when I first saw this play, that I saw as men "playing house"? I yearn for it. Ad I'm grateful. I know that what I am and who I am and what I've done isn't "gay" for everyone. But it is for me, and I am grateful. Grateful to be a part of a community who has been through the experiences painted in this piece. Grateful to have had some of those experiences myself, grateful to be watching the play from what feels like the inside out rather than looking from the outside in, like a petrie dish. Because there's so little redemption to be found in judgement, and so much to be had when one can look at himself and ask "Why am I judging? What is the fear here about?" And then step through that fear. 

Joe's resolution at the end of the play is ambiguous to say the least. But, as someone who's journey has been a version of his, even though he "pretended" so much better than I ever could have, fI see hope for him. We only see him at the beginning of his journey, and the years have a way of changing a person if you are able to strip away the false and look at the reality of yourself and who and how you are in the world. And so, yes. People, gay and straight need to know this play. They need to look back on our history, our post stonewall history, which was every bit as much a struggle for those who experienced it, as the closeted years of those before. We need to be able to see a time, which is close to the one we currently live in than it was just two years ago, if only to know that we can, and with strength and with our eyes open, we will.

What Am I Doing Here?

"What am I doing here?" that's the question I've been asking myself more and more often lately. And it makes sense. It's a good question? Surely, whether we are wondering why we are still at a particular job, in a particular relationship, in a particular, city, state, or on earth in general, it is a good question to ask. It's an even better question to have a ready answer for. At this time, for many of the situations I find myself in, no answer is particularly forthcoming. 

This city? Well, I know why I came here. And this city has been very good to me in many ways. I wouldn't have dated as much as I have here in probably any other city. I wouldn't have had so much success with this character, wouldn't have written this show, or have the opportunity to be performing it so often. I wouldn't have access to all this culture, and these opportunities. So the question now, is, am I still doing what I came out here to do? 

Well, with Cathy, I am. Although this is only my fifth upcoming appearance as Cathy in a little over a year, I am growing an audience, she is getting more exposure, and more things are happening for her than could have been thought of in Austin, Texas. And yet, since I started working on her, I haven't really gone out for auditions, at least no where near as much as I used to, which in turn, was no where near as much as I should have been. So that's one thing that needs to happen. More auditions. And as for Cathy, it's time to start pulling things together and doing writing for the second show I've been pondering.

My writing? I've been journalling. Writing for myself. Which is important. It's important to process all that is happening in a completely safe and private place where it doesn't matter what is written, because no one will read the minor gripes and complaint you toss out about them, receiving them as major blow. Better than that, they have no concern that someone else might read them and judge them by your opinions. And yet, public writing? I have things to say. But I'm not currently writing for public consumption. I DID do one thing to clear away obstacles. I had to talk to my family and ask them not to read this blog. Because who can really be honest about what's happening in life knowing that their mother is eagerly reading it all, even if it's only for the purpose of cheering you on?  There are something's that, with the much scrutiny and that much whitewashing would never get out there. So... that's one. More blog posting, work on a fiction piece.

Romance? That one needs a rest I think. It needs me not to worry about it. To breathe, give it some room, and quit working so hard. Because working for relationships, especially in the beginning, scares guys off. Not that I'm not going to continue swiping and texting and meeting people in person, but I'm going to relax my investment. Keep an open mind and think before I act. I do think one good adjustment I made was the decision not to be too physical too quickly. It makes a difference. 

There are definitely more things to take into consideration, daily life goals, but those are the big ones, the reasons I'm here, that if I am going to remain here need to be focused on. Otherwise, I'll find myself in a cubicle, just like I did in LA, not expressing myself in any fashion, doing exactly what I could in Austin, Texas, but spending more money and emotional energy to do it. I do not want that to happen. So... time to get to work.

Extremely Late Obligatory Update About the SAG Awards

I said I would update everyone in regards to my progress getting through the SAG nominated films and television shows, and though it is now weeks after the winners accepted their awards, I am dutifully here to up-date, as I am trying to be better at follow-through (the key to any success).

I made it through a couple more shows, and through several films, carefully voted according to my heart, and... no one I really cared about, excepting Claire Foy, won anything.

My vote for Timothee Chalamet went to Gary Oldman, which, come on. Prestigious film, historical, and a character that everybody can look back on to do a comparative analysis and say "yep, that's pretty close." Chalamet''s work felt so much deeper, so daring, and complex.

Jessica Lange in Feud? Nope.

Holly Hunter in The Big Sick? Nope, again.

The cast of Mudbound for best ensemble? Again... uh-uh.

I DID vote for the cast of Wonder Woman for best stunt ensemble, Stirling K Brown, Claire Foy, and for Alexander Skarsgard, all of who took statues. And I am happy for them, and their deserving work. But this is not a very good record, if I were attempting to predict the winners.

Obligation Over. Good job, Joe.

Today, I Am An Eligible SAG Voter

This year I am determined to be a fully participating person in the creative world. I'm working to get over my laziness, step by continual step, and make things happen. This means pushing away some of the distractions, all the temptations of food, sex, mindless computer time, etc. and overcoming fear enough to do the things that are in line with my goals, even if that particular thing alone doesn't seem like it could be enough to make an impact. I have yet to come up with a concrete New Years resolution, but I do have a number of goals that I am whittling away at, which I hope will lead to changes in my present and future here in the city.

One of the things I am doing this year? Voting for the SAG awards. I've never done this, in spite of having been a member of the union for more years than I care to say. This year? I will participate as best I can, even though it's a somewhat daunting challenge to view all of the 43 nominees (by my admittedly rough count).  I feel confident about getting through most of the films, but the television series? How much do you need to have seen to have a strong understanding? And what if the series has been around for multiple seasons, none of which I have seen? I'm not quite sure how to tackle this challenge, but I plan to.

So far I have seen the films Wonder Woman, Call Me By Your Name, Get Out, I Tonya, Ladybird, The Shape Of Water, and TheBig Sick, and the full seasons of Feud: Bette and Joan, The Crown, Master of None, and Stranger Things. But there are more than thirty works to see, and just two weeks in which to view them. I'll probably start with the films, and then prioritize the series by how much I care about the nomination, as I just can't imagine going through all seasons of The Walking Dead simply to vote for the best ensemble stunt work. And of course, accessibility is a major factor as well, which is where the importance of the screeners comes in. And realizing that there are likely many union members who do not take this as seriously as I am attempting to, reminds me what aware what a shot in the dark these awards are and how much a body of work matters, as many voters may not have seen the most current season of a television show, but will readily vote on the past seasons, assuming this to be a relatively accurate indicator of their current viability as a nominee.

Right now I am making my way through Big Little Lies, with plans to watch MudBound this evening, and The Florida Project tomorrow, and I have to admit that so far I have been choosing the viewing order not by how many nominations the piece has, but simply by the size of my interest. Once I've gotten through the next few, who knows what will come next?

Updates to come.

To Write?

Today is one of those gorgeous New York days. Sixty two degrees, with a brisk wind that keeps it exciting, and with a sense of anticipation in the air. Part of that is the approach of Halloween, and the succession of holidays to follow, and part of it is just the sheer unquestionable beauty of this area.

Today's a day to head out to the Strand Bookstore and pick up a used copy of a writing manual that I hope will give me some ideas for a story to write during Nanowrimo (that's National Novel Writing Month for those who are uninitiated). In spite of my unfinished mystery novel from last year with twenty paltry but crucial pages left to complete, I am considering diving back in.  Maybe it will be easier if it's not a genre that requires such tight structure and a surprise ending where it seems like surprises are impossible, as everything has already been done.  And yet, with three days to launch I still don't have a solid idea to write.  While the idea of diving in and typing away Jack Kerouac style has its appeal, I can't imagine the efforts from that will be worth the dedication it will take. Part of my brain is saying that the trying is enough.

I really would like to take a leap in and balls to the wall plunk something out, really stick to my word count, and finish the challenge. So what if the result is no good?  That's not we're supposed to be thinking about at this early stage any way, if I recall. For now, I'm committed to walking around in the city, maybe see if there are any decent podcasts that are out there to assist with this project, and to picking up the aforementioned book.  Later today I'll continue with journalling ideas, bouncing them around in my head, and tonight I'll ask the universe to help me with my decision.

Answers tomorrow.

Magic Moments

In my past couple of years in New York I've gotten to stand next to, and even chat with some pretty lovely artists and entertainers. It always makes me shy and somewhat giddy which, for a six foot 2 inch guy is kind of ridiculous, but nonetheless true.

I have a small part in my friend Leslie Carrara Rudolph's cabaret What Just Happened?...

This might be me on the left, with a guest of the show, Lolly Lardpop, and Leslie Carrara Rudolph

and because of it I've gotten to meet Chita Rivera (the sensation of hearing that iconic voice up close in my ear is etched in my memory banks), as well as a couple of other really terrific people.



Meeting Luis from Sesame Street was akin to meeting Santa Claus in person. Leslie had to ask him for the photo, because I was too nervous to bother him.  There's just a very special relationship that people have with him, because he helped to guide us (albeit remotely) and tell us about how the world works, and with such a gentle and understanding demeanor. I can't imagine how many people must reach out to him every day, and he handled my nerves with aplomb.  And getting the opportunity to chat with sound man Fred Newman? Forget about it.  I had his ZOUNDS! record and book when I was a kid (yes, I said record. In fact it was this thin floppy little record that came with the book. I must have spent hours trying to do a dog bark like his without the best results) and I'd seen him on multiple television shows as a kid.  When he took over as the effects guy for Prairie Home Companion it was an obvious match made in Heaven. Both of these men just overflowed with generosity, and it was really heartwarming and encouraging to see. Fred talked about his years growing up and the influence that the story tellers in Georgia had on his life, leading him into sound effects and to New York where he became friends with Andy Warhol and Jim Henson. I felt really lucky t have been in the right place at the right time.

Most of all though, I'm grateful for my friendship with Leslie Carrara Rudolph herself, her unique magic, her massive amounts of support, open hearted nature, and her whimsy. One of my best pals i this world, and it's been a blessing to have had her as a companion on this journey and to be her friend on hers. And who else could truly appreciate the magic of finding Clam Strips for $1?

New York Comic Con 2017!!!

This weekend is New York Comic Con, and while I was only able to get a ticket for the first day, Thursday, which is considered by most to be a warm-up to the main event, I feel like I have gotten more than my fill.  My friend Leslie and I headed out at 10:30AM and The Javitz Center was pretty empty looking.  So far so good.  Leslie had said that Thursday was the least attended day, and that the panels were mostly being held in the NYC Library, so it should be pretty manageable. Luckily, I was not really interested in Panels, except for the panel that afternoon for LORE, the upcoming Amazon Prime show based on the eery historical podcast of the same name. The lines for these panels are notoriously long, and the real reason I had been excited about the Convention was for Artist's Alley, the area where all the comic book artists have their booths, take on commissions, and sell very reasonably priced prints of their work.

First pic of the day! (With Izma and Kuzco)

I was their scoping out a possible artist to commission for a drawing of Cathy, to use for further promotion. I already had one in mind, but wasn't certain if he would be available, and so I wanted to take a look at the other options.  I did see a couple that I was interested (one in particular did work that was reminiscent of the later season I Love Lucy title segments) but none was a perfect match to the character and her period. I did get to meet and see the work of some terrific artists like Jay Fosgitt (creator of Bodi Troll) and the brilliant artist of paper cut confections, Charles Thurston. This part of the con did not disappoint, and was truthfully enough for me.  Still...

My friend Leslie!

It was only about noon at this point, and leaving so early felt like a let-down, so we headed up to the INTENSELY crowded show room. There was a Funko booth, but good luck getting in to purchase anything.  They'd apparently had a lottery weeks prior to get a chance at getting in line, and there weren't any spots available anymore. So outside of paying someone in line to purchase something for you, good luck. And I had already spent my minimal budget, so... no huge loss. We wandered the show room for a while, looking at aisles and aisles of "stuff". Products, t-shirts, posters, toys... but relatively few comics. This all would have been fine, except for the fact that I am a gregarious and outgoing person who loves being around people, and yet...being around them does not energize me, and afterwards I quickly need some alone time. I am not sure if this is because I really AM an extroverted introvert, or if that is just an example of me being like the rest of America, desperately seeking a label for myself at the same time I claim to be beyond them. Anyway, there were people everywhere, apparently this was the turnout that had usually only been seen on Saturday, and while it was festive, it was also a bit draining.

We headed downstairs for some food, and were met by a temporary structure designed to look like a house from the 1800's.  It was a promotional event for the new Amazon Prime Show, LORE, based on a pre-existing podcast  (Quick sidebar- I've not mentioned it before, but it is a really atmospheric, creepy audio podcast of historically supernatural stories which have through time morphed into legend, for example, the sighting of a snake bodied-horse headed sea serpent, or a doll that seemed to move around the house of its own volition and seemed to be terrorizing the little boy who owned him).  What seemed like it would be a quick peek turned into a two hour wait, and while it was fun to enter the rooms and meet actors portraying people from the stories that would be featured in the upcoming show, it did feel like the emphasis was on promotion, and not on acquainting people with the show. Too be fair, the convention going public is the kind to be more interested in an immersive experience of the show rather than the historically accurate photos and relics I was hoping for, and I'm sure the panel went into a lot more detail about the content of the future show.

Each room had talked briefly about one of the stories to be focused on in the show, and had a photo-op.  Feeling a little bit like a living "sandwich board", I nonetheless dutifully show the photos to you.

The actors were pretty great, and admittedly, the upcoming premier on October 13th is very much in the forefront of my mind. The third room of the house looked very promising, as the episode about lycanthropy was the what had lured me into listening to the podcast in the first place.

Now, I have to say... the group I was with?  Really lovely people, but what with Leslie gripping my arm in terror and me being six foot tall and standing in the front, I was the guinea pig of each room, which is what had me being the first one to sit down for a portrait in the final room and giving this extremely unsuitable expression...

After leaving the Museum of Lore, we headed back to Artist's Alley so Leslie could say a quick goodbye to a couple of the artists she is friends with, and then we headed to Juniors for a much deserved meal.  

I have to say, as much as I enjoyed the experience, I'm definitely more suited to the smaller, cozier Flame Con from a month prior.  They were my people!!

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