Lately, I've been in a solid mental space, creatively speaking. I work every day on a novel that I expect to have a completed draft of by September, I've just shared part two in a series of short films starring Cathy Dresden, I recently completed the animation voice-over demo I've been promising myself to complete for the past six year, and I meet regularly on Zoom to check in with and support other gay writers. In addition to that I meet with a friend weekly "write together" (which in this moment means writing at the same time at our respective desks) and I've been motivating myself with weekly podcasts with tips for writing and making things, as well as reading other works aimed at people wanting to improve their creative productivity and time management. In short, I feel pretty good. And yet, I know that what I've done and am doing now is completely manageable, doesn't take that much work to maintain, and that there is more I can and should be doing.
For one? I want to return to this blog. I plan to secure representation. I'm excited to make more Cathy videos with less turn around time (there was three months between the first and second episodes), and I want to explore a new creative project a friend of mine recently proposed, regarding a subject very close to my heart, and see if it has promise. In short, I want to keep finding ways to say "yes". Now please understand, much of what I've written so far has had me cringing internally. It feels corny, hokey, "self-helpy", and it feels like bragging. Trust me that any negative thing you might have thought so far (other people are doing a lot more than him, yes he's making things but who is looking at them...) I say those things to myself too. And they don't help me.
Producing creative work has often felt like a struggle for me. It can feel like giving a pint of blood through your fingertip, and I fret and worry over every detail until what I've done is complete. And even once it's complete, I have to research the best way to share it, and find ways to "build an audience" and it all feels so frightening. But doing it badly helps me get a little better the next time I try it, giving me more confidence to squash the fear long enough to do the things I need to get to the next step. And more and more I find myself asking "What if I'm better than the things I say to myself in my most fearful moments?" Well then all that worry is a waste. And the process of sharing will get easier the more I practice it, and the more I make. And in that way, little sep by little step, I can change my belief and my reality.
Because there was a time when we had much more confidence. And we wrote stories, made puppet shows, choreographed dances because we hadn't yet bought the illusion that we have to earn the right to do this. The truth is we already have the right. We just have to do it. And it may mean doing it badly for a seemingly interminable amount of time, but we will get better if we continue to work at it. Does that mean that the result of my project or work of art will be the specific future I desperately want it to have? It doesn't not. But I truly believe these artistic impulses we have are born in us because they are supposed to be followed. And when they are followed they will lead to new experiences and discoveries, and they will make you feel better simply by keeping promises you made to yourself. The promise to finish something you dreamed of doing. And here are two more things I believe: 1. The art you make, if you share it, will find the eyes and ears and mouths and fingers it is supposed to. And you may never know how many people that is. You may never see it happen. But it will happen. 2. The finishing of a project does not equal the end of the line for that project. Sometimes we write the first thing so that we can get to the next thing, growing and learning so that we can create the seventh thing.
So, in the interest of following through on these thoughts and feelings I'm having, I'm going to be more thoughtful about how I spend my time, I'm going to work on being kind to myself, I'm going to experiment with ways to be more productive, and to understand myself. And I'll share how it is going, talk about some of my processes and things that have worked for me, and if you'd like to join me, I'd love to have you along for the journey, and to hear how things are going for you.
