The Intergalactic Nemesis!

Let me begin by saying I did not see the Oscars last night, and while I would love to have witty things to say, a perspective to impart, I have nothing to offer on that topic. Where was I, rather than plopped in front of my TV or at some viewing party in the city?  I was at a performance of The Intergalactic Nemesis at The Schimmel Performing Arts Center in Pace University.  The Intergalactic Nemesis is a sci-fi radio drama and graphic novel (the graphic novel is projected behind the performers and the foley artist who perform live).  I'm a big fan of the classic radio drama, and it would have made sense that I'd seen this show long before now.  It's been performed in Austin for many years, has expanded from one production to include two follow up episodes in the saga, and has a devoted following across the US.  My reservations?  I'll admit to being a touch fearful of the camp factor.

It's very easy to poke fun at the tropes of the old radio drama, overdo the performances, and sprinkle in plenty of schmaltz without really respecting the form and how wonderful it can be for communicating a story.  Luckily, I had nothing to worry about last night, and my hopes for what the show could be were exceeded as the production nimbly treads the fine line of camp and dramatic stakes.  The artwork is superb, the performances lively, and the story commanding.  In short, it made for a lot of fun, and I was really happy to see my dear friend Julie Linnard up there shining like a lil' star as the female voice-actor in the ensemble.

If I had a quibble?  It's so minor, but I would probably have preferred not to know that any of the score was improvised.  The accompaniment is rousing, beautifully supports the story, and is so skillfully played that highlighting the idea of it being improvised became more of a distraction than a selling point.   I begin to wonder just how much of it was actually unique to the evening, knowing that it was taken from a composer's skeleton and  performed over and over.  Even if it was one-hundred percent new, I would prefer to enjoy it for its own merit than for the idea that it is improvised.  But that's me,

The show is a real crowd pleaser, appropriate for a family audience, and a perfect way to keep this form of story telling vibrant and relevant.  I found myself both enjoying the work and in awe of all the hands that went into making this such an enduring tradition in its own right.  I was also happy to see a female protagonist without the trumpets and fanfare that usually accompany such a decision.

A Tip For New New Yorkers: Target

Being new to this city has made for lots of learning opportunities.  That's my positive way of saying that through the natural course of the day in NYC, some annoying shit has happened many times, and through the experience of it, I have learned to make subtle corrections the next time I'm in a similar situation.  Some places are awash with learning experiences.  The subway has provided more educational experiences to New Yorkers new and not-so new, than NYU could possibly imagine.  And their tuition is much more manageable.  Another place of learning??  Target.

"What?" you think yourself.  "I know Target.  Target is easy as pie.  Get out of here with yourself!"  For the most part, yes, you do know Target.  But there are a few differences between your trip to the Target in Austin, or some other relatively small city, and New York.  I am here to help you make this experience a little more pleasurable.

1.  Give yourself up to three hours if you are venturing out to Target.  Unlike in Suburbia, there are not many of them in this city.  Frankly, there could never be enough of them.  New Yorkers are all about Target.  In fact, a Target within a ten minute subway ride will get your apartment rented on that basis alone.  So count on an hour round trip, some time for shopping, and for the surprise side trip, because there's always something awesome next to Target, and you might want to take a few extra minutes to shop there, since you are in the neighborhood.

If you are me, give yourself an extra 20 minutes to get on the train going in the wrong direction, realize this, and then head back.  It's sad, but true.

Of course, you could do it in a much shorter time, by being ruthless with your minutes, but believe me, you will get so annoyed by the people in your path that are stopping to laugh and chitchat, Sunday strolling on a Tuesday, standing right in front of the 75 watt equivalent LED lightbulbs for seven minutes as if there's a weighty decision here-- It's a fucking lightbulb!!!--  In short, you will make enemies.  And don't you want to save your enemy making for those who are genuinely trying to get your goat??

2.  Visit all floors.  In most cities, you will encounter "spread".  This is what the suburbs are all about.  People can't live packed together on top of each other, jumbled up and twisted like the socks in my underwear drawer.  They need space.  And in these other cities there is a lot more available space to be had, because...people have cars, and will take an extra five minutes to drive a little further out to you.  What's the biggie?  In New York?  We have spread out as much as we can.  That's what the boroughs are all about.  There is no more horizontal space to be had.  So instead, things spread upward.  The Gap, Target, Walgreens (ahem, sorry... Duane Reade) thrift stores, comic book shops, these will all have two or three floors.  If you can't find what you need, there is probably another floor.  You will get used to this, and eventually it won't seem like a crazy New York thing anymore.  Trust me.

3.  Respect, but do not be afraid of the shopping cart escalator thingie.  "What", you say?  "What the fuck are you talking about?"  Well friends, with multiple floors, and not enough elevator space, they have developed an escalator for your shopping cart.  It travels with you side by side, in its own little lane!  Crazy, right?  It actually has a name.  It's called... are you ready??... a Vermaport.

Be like this happy family and use the Vermaport!!

Now, don't be afraid of it, it works really efficiently, and can handle a good amount of weight.  So load up your cart with plastic objects and go to town!  There are occasionally accidents, however, so I ask you please not to be a show off asshole and try to ride your cart up or down the Vermaport.  Everyone who sees you will just think you're a fucking idiot.  Except for little kids.  They will want to copy you, and you will have mothers shooting heat waves of hate into you.  

Don't be like this girl (even she's a little ashamed of herself).

4.  Check the prices!!  This is the single most important piece of advice regarding Target, and the true reason for this blog post.  When I lived in Austin, I rarely had to worry about items being put in the wrong row, or right on top of an incorrect price.  Here, however, I have purchased something where the label said $11.15, and then when I got to the check-out, the product was actually $19.95.  This kind of thing happens more than a third of the times I go to Target.  It also happens at Duane Reade, CVS, etc.  Now, while in the moment of this tiny tragedy it is easy to think "Target is trying to rip me off!  How dare they?!!  I am a loyal customer!!!  FUCK YOU TARGET!!!", I would like to suggest instead that the people stocking these shelves are just careless.  New York stores get a lot busier than stores in smaller cities, and so there's a lot more work to do, and the stockers are a lot more likely to think "good enough" as they unload the mountains of merchandise that they shelve every day.  So double check the labels.  Always.  And carefully!  Often times, the label is deceiving and there's a reason the stocker put it there by mistake.  You might even take pictures of the labels, so if you get to the check out and get overcharged, you can show them what caused you confusion.  Now, you might think this is too much trouble.  But trust me, it can save you $5-20 on an average trip.

5.  You might even (dare I say) consider other stores.  While not every neighborhood has a Target, most of them do have a "Bargain Stop", or a 99 Cent Store, and a lot of the things you get there are much cheaper than you will find them at Target, and you won't have to lug them around on the subway or call a Taxi to lug your microwave and accent chair three miles.  However, these places can oftentimes be depressing.  Sometimes, and this is entirely up to you, it is worth the time and extra expense for the wide open  and well organized aisles, the comforting scent of bubblegum-windex and popcorn, and the bright red splashed everywhere you turn.

6.  While we are on the topic of organized aisles, don't go to Target at 11PM.  That place is a shit show at 11PM.

And there you have it.  My handy quick guide to making a peaceful and pleasant trip to Target.  If you have other tips and suggestions, please feel free to add to mine, and share your shopping experiences.

Movin' Out!

I'm writing this current post surrounded by stacks of boxes, and swirls of dust bunnies that have been unearthed by dragging furniture from the corners of the apartment to get ready for the movers who will be here bright and early tomorrow morning to move me out of Brooklyn, and into my new home in Astoria.  

Since moving to New York I've gotten to know Astoria due to some good friends that live in the area, and I've really come to feel like it is the place I'll be most at home.  It's got a lot of lovely cafes and restaurants, a movie theatre and a beautiful independent bookstore all within easy walking distance.  Plus, my favorite museum in the city is very close by.  In  addition to that, the trip into Manhattan for auditions has been cut short by twenty five minutes, and I'm awfully glad about that.  

There are certainly some things I'll miss in Crown Heights, like Pel's Pies, The Brooklyn Central Library, and the church bells I can hear chiming from my window every morning, but despite the fact that this move has been challenging, I do feel it will be for the best.  My current roommate situation has become too complex to be sustainable, and these are things people can't always predict when they enter into a new living situation.  You get a good feeling about it, you take a leap of faith, and sometimes it doesn't work out.  But in spite of a difficult month getting prepared for this move, and some sleepless nights stressing over the unknown, it looks like things have all fallen into place.  I know the new place won't be perfect, as there are certain compromises anywhere you live, but I'm very excited about it and hopes are high!

Needful Things From MONDO!

MONDO is an online company with a gallery in Austin (my former home) that commissions and sells posters, vinyl soundtracks and other film ephemera which usually provides a unique take on some well explored subjects like The Wizard Of Oz, as well as some cult classics.  Today they released a new Oz poster illustrated by Anne Benjamin.  It was a screen print poster in a limited edition of 250, and while I fantasized buying it, wouldn't you know it has already sold out.  Of course, they originally sold for $50 and are already available for twice that on eBay.  If you are interested in what they have to offer you can follow them on Twitter and get announcements as products are released.

I adore this particular take on the film as it highlights some of the darker moments, but still has a very luscious and whimsical story book approach.  Her line work is so intricate, a quality shared with that of Arthur Rackham, and which adds to the fairy tale essence of the work.

Below are some more of my favorites, which you can see at Mondo's website.  Of course, most of these are sold out, but I've provided links to the artist's websites, and they often have prints and original artwork for sale.

Mad Monster Party by Mark Chiarello.  This one is still on sale!

By Ken Taylor

Laurent Durieux has some truly stunning work available to view at his website.  The It's A Wonderful Life poster is particularly evocative.

By Michael De Pippo

I love this take by Tom Whalen, and his website has a gorgeous screen print for sale of The Wolfman (which was not done for Mondo).  It captures the regrets and the guilt of the character, as well as the eerie romance that the story has always held for me.  I might need to buy this at some point...

Here's a different take on the film by Jay Shaw, who is also MONDO's Creative Director.  I've always loved that the wolfman is just kind of an every day jerk who gets unwillingly tangled in this inner struggle to control the monster inside him.  He's the most empathetic of all the monsters to my mind, and this work really brings out all those conflicting emotions.

Let's close with this sentimental favorite of mine by Diana Sudyka, which combines a beautiful use of color with a beautiful rendering of Audrey Hepburn, and a shoutout to the Alamo Drafthouse at it's former location on South Lamar.  

The Dynamics of Gay Dating Are Truly Mystifying...

I don't know how two people get together and actually stay together for any length of time.  I really don't.  Ok, slight variation to that statement.  I don't understand how two guys get together and actually stay together for any length of time.  Some do it, it's true.  They meet, they flirt, they text each other, go out to dinner and movies and tumble into bed, and love.  They change their Facebook statuses and these days they go into married bliss, or at least the appearance of married bliss.  And yet, it feels like a lot of us are stumbling around, having the ocassional short term fling (I prefer this term to one-night stand) and often finding themselves alone on a Friday night.

Me?  I have not been very successful at this dating thing so far.  I've met guys and felt that ping of recognition that something chemical is occurring, usually through the prolonged eye contact and the unnecessary arm brushing.  I've been on dates with them, and in many cases these have progressed toward closeness and intimacy.  But making these last?  My record since coming out is six months.  I know it ain't pretty, and believe me, it ain't easy to admit this.  And I'd love to change it, but I'm truly not sure how to go about it.

Part of the problem is that it is difficult to navigate the dynamics between two men. Men like to pursue.  They like to woo.  It's in their mental makeup.  And so how do you decide who is the pursuer and who is the pursued?  Of course balance is best, but balance is beginning to feel like the unicorn in the woods.  You hear about it, you sense it's out there, but you've never seen it.

When I dated women the dynamics were much easier to figure out.  There were established patterns and roles.  Were they generalizations, and steeped in traditionalism?  Yes.  Did they work?  A lot of times, yes.  If I met someone I really liked, I could woo her, nurture her, treat her like the goddess I thought she was, and often it worked for me.  Try doing this with a guy.  He would be out the door in seconds.  Luckily, I met and had some decent relationships with women.  They were strong minded, understanding, thoughtful, great communicators.  And yet, something felt just a little off.

Cut to me at age thirty in L.A. where I met and fell for a six foot two, dark haired intellectual/slam poet who was very out and open with his sexuality and extremely emotionally in touch.  Add to the mix his giant smile and a high pitched voice that I loved.  The fact that we were picking out clothes for each other and choosing possible furniture for our future place by our second date?  This should have been a red flag, but I ignored it, and a couple others.  A month with him and I knew I would never go back to dating women, as I felt so out of control and blissed out in his presence that I couldn't allow myself to settle for anything less.  We lasted six weeks, and then he got scared and called the whole thing off.  When he called back two weeks later saying he'd made a major mistake, it was too late, the balance had been thrown off, and we were done.  I never really understood what happened, as it seemed to come out of no where, and since then I haven't really grown in my maturity about how to deal with men.

In short?  If I like them, really like them, and they like me, there is a part of me that is always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And once I think it's happened (either because they stopped calling or texting like they used to, or because they cut a date short with no explanation or said something minor and unexceptional that I worried over) I can drive myself insane with wondering what they are thinking.  I've never loved uncertainty, and from that moment on I am living in The Land of Uncertainty.  My conversations with myself are unnerving and ridiculous.  And part of it is because I don't know what my role is supposed to be.  Should I be the pursuer?  Or allow myself to be pursued?  And how coy do I need to be about it?  I know from experience that men like to chase, and all too often it's felt like the minute they catch what they were chasing, they lose interest.  And if I want to keep them around, shouldn't I keep them guessing?

As  result of all this confusion, my behavior is all over the map and I send so many mixed signals that I don't blame the other person for wondering just what the fuck is going on and booking it out of my vicinity.   Don't get me wrong, I don't like playing mind games, especially since they almost  always backfire on me.  However, if I understood the basic etiquette and "rules" of gay dating, I think I would feel just a little bit more secure about this whole enterprise.


Maybe I need a gay dating guru.  A Gayru.  Anybody know of one???

Since When Did Wonder Woman Need A Sword??

When I was a kid, my heroes were always women.  Always.  The characters I admired were Snow White, Dorothy, Wonder Woman... They were my escape from Superman and Batman, and the other cartoon purveyors of machismo that dominated pop culture.  These female heroes brought joy to a previously darkened world, helped their friends see the strength within, and stood for the power of peace in a war torn world.  They were in every way better than most male heroes.  They weren't always whipping out swords or guns and they weren't always punching people out.  They had other, superior ways of overcoming challenges.

Let's take a look at Wonder Woman.  She was created during World War Two as an answer to the male dominated violence in the world.  Psychiatrist William Moulton Marston believed the problem with comics at that time was that they were too violent and full of "blood curdling masculinity".  As a feminist, he created Wonder Woman (though many believe his wife Olive was not only the inspiration for the character, but a large portion of the brains behind her as well) as a character far better than men.  She comes from the Paradise Island in a time of great war to teach men how to live in peace.  Her powers are the powers of truth and love and beauty.  She repels bullets with her bracelets, and uses her golden lasso to make men tell the truth.  She is an amazing heroine, with a unique perspective, a great origin story, and until very recently she never needed a sword.  Never.

              

The sword started appearing around ten years ago, and gained major prominence in a newer, bloodier iteration of Wonder Woman.  In the upcoming film?  Major sword action.  I guess this is a way for movie execs to answer the demand that women be treated as strong and proactive, and stars of their own lives, much like men have always been depicted.  No longer do women need to be helpless eye candy.  I for one think this is awesome.  However, I feel like the people paying lip service to feminism, for the most part are doing simply that.  Paying lip service.  The movie exec way to make a woman strong?  Make her more warlike.  They've thrown Alice and SnowWhite both into armor, and for me the strengths they had originally--compassion, ingenuity, wit, and the audacity to call out pomposity and ridiculousness-- were thrown under the bus and deemed "less than".  Well, every gay kid knows that those qualities are often all we had to get us through the trials and tribulations of daily life as a child to find the "other side".  And for those who say that Wonder Woman deserves a sword because she should be able to "kick ass" just as much as Superman and Batman?  Where's Superman's sword??  Oh, yeah.  He doesn't need one because he has superhuman strength.  For the record, so does Wonder Woman, and she's never needed a sword to show the bad guys what's what.

                                                   

For my money, the addition of a sword, and other cheap plot developments like a romantic relationship with Superman (Wonder Woman does not need to be a supporting character to Superman's mythology, thanks very much, cuz she's got shit of her own to do, and in her story she is the only one doing the saving) do nothing but weaken the character.  And thus far it is doubtful, to my mind, that she will fare very well in these new film interpretations.  It's likely to be another case in which the woman is stuck on the side to be arm candy and to occasionally surprise us all because she can really "kick ass" just like a man.  Of course, she's usually only aloud to fight other women, and when she is fighting men she often (as was the case of recent Man From UNCLE film) overpowers them in ridiculously sexual ways like snapping their necks between her inner thighs.  Really??  But even if it turns out that the new film doesn't know how to handle Wonder Woman, she will always have the comics, which continue to experiment with her and in many vehicles, allow her to be the strong, independent and peaceful leader she was born to be.

And of course, just when you are about to give up hope, along comes a character like Rey from the newest Star Wars film.  She's bright, in charge, using her mental and metaphysical powers as well as those of combat, AND she's nurturing, empathic and occasionally funny.  If only she had come about before Wonder Woman was in development, it's possible they could have taken some inspiration from her and I would be feeling a lot better than I do.

Favorite Spaces: Jonathan Adler

There are certain spots in New York, little hubs of pleasure that boosts spirits, soothe the days worries away, and inspire joy in living.  There are many such places for every individual style and heart, and I keep a growing list of places in this city that helps to chase my bluesies and bring on joy.  My newest addition?  The Jonathan Adler store on the Upper West side.

Forget about those two tired lions "patience and fortitude" who loll about the New York Library.  I love the two little squirrels perkily presenting their nuts to every visitor to Jonathan Adler.  I call them "Pithy and Sparky" and they are the perfect ambassadors for a store that celebrates whimsy and glamor.  Framed just outside the doorway is "The Jonathan Adler Manifesto", and if that doesn't make you want to waltz through the doors, eyes aglow, then I'm pulling you out of my imaginary rolodex and tearing up your card.  Wait, scratch that.  There's room in this world for all varieties of taste and brands of fascination, so ok, imaginary torn up card carefully reassembled, taped and apologetically shoved back into the rolodex.  But if you DO waltz through the doors with eyes aglow and hands flailing as you point at candy colored chotchkies, then we might be destined, as Anne Shirley says, to become bosom friends.  Below you'll see a few of my select favorites:

Our Manifesto

We believe that your home should make you happy. 

We believe that when it comes to decorating, the wife is always right. Unless the husband is gay.

 

We believe in carbohydrates and to hell with the puffy consequences.

 

We believe minimalism is a bummer.

 

We believe handcrafted tchotchkes are life-enhancing.

 

We believe tassels are the earrings of the home.

 

We believe in our muses: David Hicks, Alexander Girard, Bonnie Cashin. Hans Coper, Gio Ponti, Andy Warhol, Leroy Neiman, Yves Saint Laurent, and Madonna.

We believe in the innate chicness of red with brown.

 

We believe in being underdressed or overdressed always.

We believe dogs should be allowed in stores and restaurants.

We believe colors can’t clash. 

We believe in blowing your nest egg on our pots. 

We believe our lamps will make you look younger and thinner.

We believe in irreverent luxury.

 

Stores like this are designed with an eye toward aspirational living.  You think to yourself "I love this person's perspective, their moxie, their way of life, their flair, and I want just a little of this glitz to rub off on me so I can splash around in it and dispense it like Auntie Mame with an outie part".  Ok.  Full disclosure, that's what I think.  You may just think... "Cool chair!"  Please tell me you are thinking something more than "cool chair", but in an effort to cast a wide net of thoughts and desires, let's just go with "cool chair!"

In addition, each piece of furniture, or nicknack has a distinct world view.  It has its own look and identity that somehow meshes with the entire collection, and you can immediately imagine living with these little pieces of whimsical luxury.  Ok, I can imagine living with them.  I can see myself stretching out on this bed and waiting for my man to come home (still taking applications) Or lounging on that divan waiting for my man to come home, as I drink sweet and fizzy drinks and read one of Simon Doonan's books.

Of course, it's not just the things he creates and inspires that make the Jonathan Adler Company so charming.  It's Jonathan Adler himself.  He's handsome, dapper, just a touch snarky, and big hearted as all get-out (or at least he seems big hearted.  As all get out.  We've not actually met)

If the previous passages enticed you at all, now is the perfect time to visit jonathanadler.com to buy me a belated birthday gift.  I'm partial to these pots as I have lots of eyelashes to store in a half hazard manner.

"I Am Grateful!": (The Birthday Edition)

Since it's my birthday, and birthday's are a great time for counting blessings, I figured this would be a perfect time to remember all of the great things happening in my life. I can't lie, this first one in New York was the hardest one I can remember, but I've had lots of love and good wishes from those I care about across the miles, and from those here in the city as well, so who could ask for more?

I am grateful for my friends at The New York Transit Museum. The people I've met there have made the job a joy, and have impacted my life outside of work in a multitude of ways as well.  I'm so happy to have a place to play amongst people who love what they are doing, and to get to call that "work".

I am grateful for A Little Life.  It seems a strange thing to say about a book that is taking me through an emotional roller coaster and making me feel particularly vulnerable on the city's subways, but it has won me over with it's beautifully rendered characters and by its depiction of friendships in New York City.  

I am thankful to be going on auditions.  It's taken some courage to get out there, and thus far, I admittedly haven't gotten up the courage to go for a Broadway show (it's all been for Off-Broadway and Regional) but I am getting some great experience, and putting my face out there, and I trust I'm making waves, even if it's sometimes difficult to see the impact.

I am so grateful to all the friends who have reached out to me in the past week and today, sending thoughts of love both by phone, through gifts, and through Facebook.  It's funny, because every time I see reminders to post on Facebook for a friend's upcoming birthday and think "Oh, they don't care about hearing from me", I forget how great it feels to receive these, and how touching it is to know that people are thinking about me, even for just a moment.

I am grateful for an amazing little cafe about a quarter of a mile from here, by the name of Pel's Pie Co.  It's cozy, with a minty green interior, lovely people behind the counter, and delicious pies.  

                                                     

If you're ever in the neighborhood and feeling like a savory treat, the Tomato Pie is delicious.  It's a wonderful place to tuck up for awhile and do some writing while having a piece of pie and coffee, or a sip of wine.  

I am grateful that my little pooch Stella has an amazing home with my family in Texas and is not having to brave these Winters, or the crowds and noises that would give her the shivers.  

I am also extremely grateful to be in this city with its amazing museums, theaters, citizens, and the myriad of magical little places tucked all around it.  Living here and making the most of it is a job all of its own, but it's worth it (and PS:  I don't own those particular photos above, so if you would rather I remove them, let me know :))

Dear "The Revenent": No thank you.

Dear The Revenent,

I saw a little bit of what you had to offer, and while I appreciate the effort that went into making it, I'm going to politely decline.  Does Leo's character get his revenge on that crazy dude who left him for dead and that I didn't even recognize was Tom Hardy?  Does he live happily ever after?  What does the inside of a horse corpse look like?  I will never know.  I think I made it about an hour in before I realized that I didn't want to suffer through to the end of the film, and it's not that you guys didn't try.  Friends say the cinematography is beautiful, and thinking back on it?  They are right!  There were sweeping pans of hillsides that were worthy of The Sound of Music, and close-up shots that showed just how long it had been since these boys had a hot shower.  And all the brutal action, blood and suffering seemed very real.  Good on you! And I'm glad that Native Americans are getting acting gigs, thankless as those gigs may be.  But when the computerized bear... and it was truly spectacular by the way, there were only a couple of times that the ends of its fur looked like the ends of the branches on the fiber optics Christmas tree we used to plug in and display on top of the filing cabinet in my old HR office...

But when that bear attacked Leo's character, should I have been rooting for the bear?  Or shouldn't I at least have felt something other than terribly sad because in the end Leo left those two bear cubs motherless in what has already been established as an unforgiving country?  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to care about him, but I didn't know who he was!!!   He'd said about three words throughout the whole film and seemed to me just like another schmoe with a gun.  That CGI bear was a mother with two CGI cubs to feed!!!!

And to Leo;s character- yes, Tom Hardy was ruthless and horrible and deserves to get fucked up!!!  But can I completely blame him for thinking that you likely wouldn't live after that attack?  There's a reason #fuckedbyabear is trending right now.  You should have seen yourself!!  It was very bad.   If it had been me dragging you around in the freezing snow and I thought you were going to die any minute, and in the meantime you were being a real Debbie Downer and keeping us from making a speedy exit from the frozen tundra where Native Americans rightfully had it out for us?  Well, truthfully I don't know what I would have done.  There would have been some flailing and crying, that I can say for sure, and I probably wouldn't have buried you alive, but the likely fact is that we would have ALL become Otter Pops.  And yes, he literally buried you alive, and did really awful things to that mean kid from The Chronicles of Narnia, but it just wasn't enough to make me care about you.  I hear that at some point there's a scene with you and your former love, and maybe if that had come a lot sooner, I would have invested more.  At least there's that hope.

As it was, after awhile, I sadly looked into the bottom of my popcorn bag, discovering it empty.  I looked back up at the screen and there you were crawling around on the ground, a dirty mangled mess.  STILL!!  I really wanted to leave the theatre, and yet I knew there was this thing with a horse corpse.  It's all people can talk about.  They say:

"He crawled into a horse corpse!!!  He got really cold, and he looked dirty as fuck!  It is OSCAR TIME!!"

In regards to that, I don't want to negate your work.  It did look very real, but... apparently, a lot of it was real!!!  No offense, but if you were to put my Uncle Frank on-screen, throw him in a freezing river, make him eat guts and crawl into a horse corpse he would look realistically miserable, because he would be miserable!!  That's not acting!

Finally, I saw a horse come on the screen and I thought to myself "Thank God.  Let's get to this legendary horse corpse moment so I can fecking go", and yet, it was all a tease.  It was just more Native Americans.  It was then that I realized I probably didn't want to hang around for who knew how long, waiting for a moment that was just going to make me feel sad for the horse, and haunt my dreams for months to come. It was that point at which I made a speedy exit.

So thanks, truly.  It's not just you.  It's me too.  I think I'm more of a Carol guy.

My kind of movie!

Not my kind of movie.

Subway Tears

New York is sometimes a place where you can sit in a train car, heart in a book, and let yourself cry for the people living in the pages.  You can wipe those tears away with your index finger, turn the page, and then look up to see that you haven't made the spectacle of yourself you thought you had, because of the seven or eight people scattered about the car, not one was looking up.  They had their faces in mirrors as they applied lipstick, or their phones, or like you- in a book.  You exhale and feel an emotion that is equal parts relief and isolation.

Streetwalking In New York

Here's a hard New York truth.  Everyone in New York jaywalks.  They do.  As a visitor to this town, or a resident, far too often you will come to a crosswalk, and see a street completely empty of cars (this happens more often than you would think) and you will either wait, and wait, and later wonder what bliss you could have had with those two minutes you frittered away waiting for the little white walking man to pop up, or you will look both ways and then hustle across the street.  You will face this decision a lot, and so I promise you, then in New York, you will jay walk!

Here's another situation in which you will jaywalk.  You are in a bustling part of the city, it's 7PM or so, and a crowd of you is waiting for the light to change.  HOWEVER, you've got a fucking show to get to and you want to make sure you have enough time to buy a ten dollar glass of wine and get your drink on before the curtain rises on Aladdin or whatever bullshit show you are aching to see.  Suddenly, the crowd, as one begins to surge forward across the street like a living life raft.  You will tuck yourself inside them and walk, knowing that
1.  Surely a car would not hit all these people.
2.  If someone does come plowing through in their metal exoskeleton, heedless of all these living, fragile cantaloupe headed creatures,  they will likely hit someone else first, and there will be lots of bodies to cushion your fall.

So, you will jaywalk.  Believe it.  Unless you are a studious eight year old girl on the corner linked hand in hand with your eight year old cohort.  In that case you will wisely listen to all the things your mother told you, and you will stay still.  As I strut across the street I will pay you silent homage and give you a mental kudos.  Your lives are not worth that two minutes you would save!!!!

But in truth, if you are a grown up, and vigilant, in many instances, it's just efficient to book it across the empty street.  And in case you are worried about a ticket?   They never fucking ticket for it, because, as I have mentioned, EVERYONE does it.  I've seen people jaywalk right in front of a police car without batting an eye, and they are not cited.  However, please be safe about it.  Please!  Because for every quick an careful person, some people are just ridiculous about it.

Just today I saw a group of three girls, and the heftier of the three, the poor girl who had shot up a little taller than her friends and at aged 15 or so was nearing six feet, she obviously had something to prove.  So while the crowd of us waited at the corner and cars whizzed by, she, with a careful pose of nonchalance, walks out into the street.  She sways her head a bit, fake sassiness girding her loins as her pupils dilate.  Her two friends stand a couple steps behind her, giggling, shocked at her audacity.  You can almost hear them think to themselves "you're so brave, Martinique".  In the meantime I'm screaming inside, thinking "DON'T DO IT MARTINIQUE!!!! You are too trusting, and your life is worth more than the five seconds of glory you will have in being able to prove to your friends that you didn't give a fuck!

Another example that happens all too often.  There's a young (are they always young?  Do the young have a monopoly on cockiness and naivety?) person waiting at the corner with you.  They spot a car coming toward them, the sign says "don't walk" and yet, they think they can make it before the car gets to them, so they begin the walk across the street.  But it's less of a walk, more of a stroll.  They saunter, they promenade across the street with major attitude, almost daring the car coming at them not to slow down.  There's a defiance to it, and a swing to the hip or a mild thrusting of the pelvis as they make their way across the street.  There's something sexual about it, believe it or not.

Now I say these things not to judge or cast aspersions.  Like I said, I have been a jaywalker.  In a way, I am sayingg these things to remind myself to be vigilant, and remember to take my eyes off the phone as I 'm walking down the street and arriving at a corner.  To pause and assess.  Because New York is a dangerous city, and you never know if that car, the one coming at you as you defy the laws of traffic, is being driven by someone who values your life, or is piloted by someone who's at their wits end and will give you a hearty flip of the bird as she plows on through the intersection, nearly hitting you because she has a green light.

I guess what I'm really saying has all been said before, much better than I can, and it all boils down to this.  Let's all be careful walking those streets, and if you're feeling vulnerable and alone, find a grown up friend and be safe.