Three Weeks Through and Feeling Blue

Feeling like a failure today.  Did everyone else know that this was going to happen?  That I would make it halfway through Nanowrimo (for the record I still hate that abbreviation) and then I would stall?  I got 25,000 words through and have struggled since that point.

It was the same old thing where you miss a day and the thought of doing twice the amount of work the next day to make up for the day you missed, well it becomes overwhelming, so you miss that day also, and then, well fuck.  Before you know it you have three days of work to complete in one day, and it's daunting enough to get 1600 in one day that are worth anything, let alone 4,000 plus.  

"Don't worry about the quality" the bloggers say.  "Just get it out there".  And to them I say "go fuck yourself.  I'm not going to waste 50 - 60 hours of my life writing garbage.  Even with an outline, after 25,000 words it is easy to lose track of what you have, the seeds you're trying to plant, the characters you've created.  So I went back.  And I started to revise.  And I stalled.  

At first, it seemed justifiable, because I was going through and expanding the old copy at the same time I adjusted and removed sections, so I still got my words done.  But then, it wasn't happening like that, and I spent an hour and half on revising and didn't have my words, and neither did I have the heart to go and write them, especially knowing they would be in the baby phase compared to some of the more sculpted passages I had revised and honed.  So it turned out the bloggers were right.    SCREW YOU BLOGGERS AND YOUR ACCURATE INFORMATION!!!

I am now trying to pick up the pieces. As of today I am 14,666 words behind where I should be.  I could let it go at that and promise myself I will work away at this book, knowing that without the deadline it will be that much harder to finish it.  Add in the amount of failure I am feeling at the moment and you've got a decided lack of motivation to complete the story that will not always feel worthy of the effort it will take to finish it.  

So here's what I can commit to as of today.  I can recommit to getting 1667 words for the next six days.  At which point I should have 35,342 words of the piece.  Hardly a failure, even if it isn't considered "winning" in the eyes of the almighty NANOWRIMO peeps.

Feeling a touch better about the situation.  Not perfect, but am realizing this isn't the end of my journey with this process yet.

A Weekend In Astoria

Tomorrow marks the halfway point of National Novel Writing Month, and I'm pleased to say that I am currently at 22,000 words and on target to complete 50,000 words by the end of the month.  I understand how daunting it can be, because the minute the words come out on that blank page they are so inadequate.  They're the children you hide in the closet because "something ain't right".   And it can be daunting because, while the words are coming out on the page, the question remains... are they quality?  And just how much sense is this all going to make when I reach the end?  Add to that, the fact that most editors expect a novel to be, not 50,000 words, but 60,000.  Which, in truth is refreshing, because at my current point, I am not halfway through the novel.  More like, just under a third.

However, there are some upbeat points to make here.  Around the third or fourth day I got behind, and it was pretty daunting for awhile there because my goal to stay on target at points was 3-3,500 and not the easier daily goal.  Which made it very difficult to go back and fine tune pieces of the novel and turn them into something worth reading.  Now, I know most people say DO NOT GO BACK, I understand.  And I understand the danger, but I myself need to know I have something that is solid- not mind shatteringly gorgeous necessarily, especially with the genre novel I'm currently working, but something that resembles what I might pick up in a bookstore, and with most of the details decided and the decisions made so that everything up to the most current page matches in detail.  Being on track will allow me to do that.

Keeping on track has also kept me from blogging very much, and there's been a lot of fun little things going on.

I got to explore Astoria in Queens for a weekend get-away as a friend of mine was out of town and let me crash at her place to have a change of environment and stir up some creativity.  I would now, at this point to sing the praises of The Astoria Bookshop.  It's a cozy little bookstore so beautifully designed and welcoming.  And I know the big shops can not be beaten when it comes to vast selection, however there is something to say for a shop that has a really wonderful selection in what is there, and allows you to actually notice some of the great things there.  I spent at least an hour there, and while I didn't buy any books as I currently have a stack of books waiting for me, and I couldn't justify spending more money on a book.  I did get a candle.  Especially when I'm writing I like to light a candle specifically saved for that time.  It's not a ritual, per say, but it does feel like I'm saying to myself and the world at large, that it's writing time.

In fact, at some point I would like to live in Astoria.  It's a little closer to Mid-Town than my current location, and it's got so many lovely little shops within quick walking distance, like Gossip Coffee, which has some pretty delicious donuts.  I tried the chocolate stout and the pumpkin spice latte, both of which were delicious.

I also went on another audition, and it was a pretty big win simply to go, because I've been going through the notices as of late and thinking of a reason for each post as to why I might not be perfect for the show, and therefor shouldn't go out for it.  But on Monday I told that side of myself to kindly shit it's pie hole.  I decided I'm going to go through the postings and if it seems even possibly right for me, I would go and give it a shot.  Now, I spoke to a friend of mine about this later who was worried about wasting the auditions time---  let me clarify.  I'm not saying if the part calls for a 25 year old romantic lead of Italian heritage, and that is not your age or your "type" that you should go out for it.  Yes- it's a waste of time.  But there are so many other parts out there that could work, and yet...they may not seem like the part you would immediately go in and rock.  To that voice saying don't go, I respectively again say "shut your pie hole".  You may go and you may not be right for it.  But if you go in there and give an amazing audition, they will take notice for next time.  They will.

In short, I am working hard on saying "yes" to opportunities and ignoring the tiny little "no" that often pipes up to have its say.

NaNoWriMo

It is day two of National Novel Writing Month, an annual event in November that started several years back and which I had often thought of participating in.  For one reason or another, though (not having a significant idea, being extremely busy in the month of November, getting the inspiration in February, being plain chicken) I had not yet done so.  Until Now!!

There are two kinds of participants in "Nanowrimo".

1.  The pantser.  This is the writer who decides to let inspiration hit them day one, write the quota of 1500 words each day that will get them to 50,000 words by the end of the month.  This approach has always seemed a little too "harum scarum" for me, and I've never really been tempted to trod that road.  Maybe after this month I will try this less organized route.

2.  The planner.  This person gives great thought to their plot, characters, and generally maps out what will happen in the novel more or less, so when November comes around it's almost a matter of connecting the dots.

I'm more or less doing the route of the planner, but I'm leaving some room for inspiration to strike.

Beginning in late September I became inspired by an idea I've been kicking around in one form or another for over ten years.  The character ideas, the perspective, the voice, the plot twists and the way to play with and twist common tropes of the genre--- they just started flowing.  So I took that month to spill all of those ideas, those "what ifs" onto the page.  Mostly I said "Suppose..."  and "What if..." and "Maybe...".  Next I went ahead and narrowed down some of those ideas, took some out, made some plot decisions and answered some of those "what ifs".  I made a complete list of characters, jotted some notes about them, when I thought I had too many to focus on I took a couple and combined them, as they essentially served the same purpose.  Then I made an outline of the first five chapters.  From there???  Well, I have a planned ending, and I have a general idea, but everything else is going to take a little trust and faith, and "listening to what the characters want".  Authors always say they can't make their characters do anything.  They have to listen to them.  So...I'm staying open to that.  Truthfully it's always seemed a little too precious for me, but I'm going to take their advice.

P.L. Travers always said the Mary Poppins books wrote themselves, and of course Jack Kerouac legendarily pounded out his masterpiece in three weeks, so it may be a smooth and easy road...somehow I'm leery.

I know I'll struggle and have doubts.  They seem almost to be necessary to the process somehow.  And if not necessary, at least, you can't create anything without those assholes showing up to the party, but I am determined to soldier on, in spite of what they say.  And if they seem to be making a little sense, like maybe this should happen instead of that?  I'll consider listening.  But it's such a slippery slope.  Letting fear motivate you toward excellence, and keeping it from derailing you.  Is it possible?

Yesterday I completed 2000 words, and tonight I have two and a half hours to write today's 1000-1500 in order to stay on track.

For those of you who are thinking about leaping into this, it is NOT TOO LATE!  You can go to the website linked above and register as an official participant, listen to pep talks, get guidance and advice, track your word count... it should be a lot of fun.  Really!! (SFX: manic laughter)

Mister Roger's: Television's Gift

When I was a child, like most kids in America in the late seventies, I watched Mister Rogers' Neighborhood religiously.   Not only was he a calm and gentle presence, unapologetically tender and sentimental, calming and supportive; he also chose to focus on things and people that mattered.  He showed us how the things we used got made, taught us to pay attention to the world and the good people around us, and to appreciate the things about us that we might not always wrap our arms around.  He, alongside the muppets and my daily dosage of mid-century sitcoms, was a major television influences.  He helped shape how I came to see the world and gave me a foundation to cope when things turn to shit in this world.

It feels strange to put all of that on television's metaphorical shoulders, but it's true.  We were kids of the tv generation.  And it's not that I didn't go outside, or that I had absentee parent's.  But teacher's, family members, daycare teachers felt safe putting us in front of the television, often at our pleading.  And so, almost as much as the people around us, television makes us.

And so I'm grateful that Mister Rogers was such a big presence in my life as a young kid.  His message that differences are wonderful, and that everyone is worthy of love and is special still hold true.  Unfortunately, I don't think it's quite as popular a message as it used to be.  Luckily, these shows were here for us then, and Sesame Street is still around continuing that message of acceptance and self worth.

This clip below illustrates how important and influential Mister Rogers was and continues to be, as long as there are those around who take his words to heart.