What Am I Doing Here?

"What am I doing here?" that's the question I've been asking myself more and more often lately. And it makes sense. It's a good question? Surely, whether we are wondering why we are still at a particular job, in a particular relationship, in a particular, city, state, or on earth in general, it is a good question to ask. It's an even better question to have a ready answer for. At this time, for many of the situations I find myself in, no answer is particularly forthcoming. 

This city? Well, I know why I came here. And this city has been very good to me in many ways. I wouldn't have dated as much as I have here in probably any other city. I wouldn't have had so much success with this character, wouldn't have written this show, or have the opportunity to be performing it so often. I wouldn't have access to all this culture, and these opportunities. So the question now, is, am I still doing what I came out here to do? 

Well, with Cathy, I am. Although this is only my fifth upcoming appearance as Cathy in a little over a year, I am growing an audience, she is getting more exposure, and more things are happening for her than could have been thought of in Austin, Texas. And yet, since I started working on her, I haven't really gone out for auditions, at least no where near as much as I used to, which in turn, was no where near as much as I should have been. So that's one thing that needs to happen. More auditions. And as for Cathy, it's time to start pulling things together and doing writing for the second show I've been pondering.

My writing? I've been journalling. Writing for myself. Which is important. It's important to process all that is happening in a completely safe and private place where it doesn't matter what is written, because no one will read the minor gripes and complaint you toss out about them, receiving them as major blow. Better than that, they have no concern that someone else might read them and judge them by your opinions. And yet, public writing? I have things to say. But I'm not currently writing for public consumption. I DID do one thing to clear away obstacles. I had to talk to my family and ask them not to read this blog. Because who can really be honest about what's happening in life knowing that their mother is eagerly reading it all, even if it's only for the purpose of cheering you on?  There are something's that, with the much scrutiny and that much whitewashing would never get out there. So... that's one. More blog posting, work on a fiction piece.

Romance? That one needs a rest I think. It needs me not to worry about it. To breathe, give it some room, and quit working so hard. Because working for relationships, especially in the beginning, scares guys off. Not that I'm not going to continue swiping and texting and meeting people in person, but I'm going to relax my investment. Keep an open mind and think before I act. I do think one good adjustment I made was the decision not to be too physical too quickly. It makes a difference. 

There are definitely more things to take into consideration, daily life goals, but those are the big ones, the reasons I'm here, that if I am going to remain here need to be focused on. Otherwise, I'll find myself in a cubicle, just like I did in LA, not expressing myself in any fashion, doing exactly what I could in Austin, Texas, but spending more money and emotional energy to do it. I do not want that to happen. So... time to get to work.