I Am A Father (of a lil' dumpling baby of a good feeling)

Lots of emotions jostling around in this body and brain today, making any number of metaphysical "clankings". And there are many people who would say that when I feel these emotions-- the uncertainty, the fear, the judgement of the fear and uncertainty, the disappointment-- that I should be grateful. These are signifiers that I want something different in my life. Many of those same thinkers say that to experience something different I, as a person in this world, simply need to feel better about I am right now, because good feelings will inspire more positive actions. There are other thinkers, those who believe the first statement (emotions are signifiers of where I am) that would part ways with the party of the first part  at that juncture, saying that their solution is airy fairy magical realism thinking.

Me? Look. I agree with both. I was obviously able to move from a place of confusion and mini-despair in order to conjure enough hope that writing these words might prove useful to someone, might strike a chord. That, in turn, inspired me to start my first blog post in four months. And look, no one is saying that positive thinking is easy. What's that saying? Something about the solution being an easy process to follow, but that the execution of that easy process can be very difficult because of all the ways we doubt the solution. And following the first step? Thinking good thoughts by focused effort for one day? That will produce a day's worth of results. Two days worth, exponentially more. And so on ad so on. But what happens when we're feeling great after three days? Or four?  For me, it's often the backslide. Like taking the first three days of the antibiotics I was prescribed and then ditching the  prescribed and then the process that got the good results, in spite of the prescription clearly stating that I need to finish the prescription. Soon enough the illness is back, and stronger than ever.

The "feeling better" cure is just like that. It's relatively easy for me to change my attitude for a few days. Before I know it I'm feeling in control. I'm large and in charge! Ready to get 'er done!! Yes, I'll need to get back to feeling focused positive thoughts really soon, but for now, shouldn't I act on the power I've gained? Time to "get 'er done"! I'll put in the effort that got me to this good place later. Promise! But then when enough of those days of ignoring the process have piled up, I'm back where I started. Start over this process enough times and it's enough to make a person feel like a real failure. Is it strange that a person who has, on seven separate occasions successfully created good thoughts three days in a row isn't able to see twenty-one days of good thoughts that went out into the world, but almost always sees the seven examples of failure instead?

These feelings of failure can also get me blaming the process itself. As if the good feelings I generated should have been all I needed to propel me onward, and of course they aren't, because it wasn't those feelings alone that caused me to make a change in the first place. It was the addition of my conscious mind to those initials feelings. My observation of those feelings brought me to the conclusion that a change needed to be made. It was the conscious mind that then initiated the practical steps. It would be a mistake, when I'm three days into the process of "thinking happy thoughts" and all those zingy results, to forget that the discipline was a key ingredient.  Instead it is at this time that I should remember and be grateful for the conscious steps I took which helped me arrive here. In short, the feelings were the WHAT, the result. And the conscious changing of the original feelings/the old WHAT/results from my past, was the HOW I got these new results. .

It's tricky, Because you could reason that the positive feelings generated from the decision to refocus should generate more good feelings and therefore it should get easier and easier. The fact that it isn't that easy...doesn't that make this whole theory bullshit? I've thought this. Its all bullshit. Con men handing out easy answers. Chuck it all and live in misery, because at least misery is guaranteed. And yet, just because the solution is more complicated than I originally foresaw doesn't make it any less of a solution.  I mean yes, we do generate good feelings from good thoughts, and yet. The first results generated from the beginning steps... these good feelings- they're BABIES! They're tiny little dumplings fresh to the world, pure and excited and equally fragile. And here I am, the uncertain parent of these lil' dumplings, wanting them to be amazing, thinking they just might be. Risking hope because what I can see of them, and how I feel about them? I see dynamic creatures. I see promise!  I'm ecstatic! I love these lil' dumpling emotion babies!!! And yet, how quickly this bliss is turned upside down.

Something happens in my world that is less than thrilling? A negative thought? A stumble? It's so tempting to think "of course. I was deluding myself". Those lil' dumplings? "What disappointments". I shouldn't have expected that much of them. I mean, after all, I was their parent, so just how perfect could they be?" I'm forgetting that they are BABIES. Did I say they are BABIES??? They aren't done forming yet, they haven't reached full strength. And here I am betraying my babies, blaming them, when in truth I am the one who is betraying the contract. My job as a parent of these thoughts is not finished. Far from it. The more diligent I can be about strengthening them daily, the stronger they become, and the more I trust that their creation was not a momentary fluke, or a con played on myself in the desperation of jangling thoughts, which allows me to make more, equally strong thoughts.

Ok. Agreed. My job wasn't done. And then I turned on my thoughts. I doubted. I poisoned those good emotions. I agree. My bad. I fucked up. Shouldn't have done that. But now what? Well, I've put poison out into the thoughts, and all that can come now is the inevitable destruction of those thoughts due to the poison I put out there. I mean, what good can these less than completely healthy good feelings do me? Best to abandon them and start over later, when I can use the lessons learned from this experience to do it right next time. Easy to think this. Easy to rationalize this. And yet, no one has ever done this process perfectly. Everyone has doubted on this journey. No one has gone through this process without a stumble, and the only way to fail is to stop the journey too soon. For example, i this very moment as I type these words I am already thinking back over this rambling heap of an essay and gathering evidence which will help me formulate arguments in my brain to kill this blog post before the hideous pulpy mess that it is can be seen by anyone. That? That would be too soon. Equally true that to not continue this process and create more in the upcoming weeks? To abandon this blog again after just one tentative return, that would be too soon.  In fact you could argue that to stop the journey ever, is to stop too soon. It's funny how quickly the perfectionist creeps in, right? Without even noticing, and disguised as an ally, the perfectionist has snuck up and planted the realization that "no one can keep this up forever". It continues. "You are contemplating beginning an enterprise which is destined to fail." But fail by who's definition? Mine. I have to, or get to define what success is to me. Even if I only do it a day at a time.

Right now? Success is this. It's pushing the "publish" button. It's putting this imperfect rumination out in to the world and letting it make ripples. Any ripple. No judgement. And no rumination on all the better entries that could have been if I'd just continued the next day and the next? . If this is all I do, it will have be enough. It will do it's job.  Convincing myself that what I just wrote is really true?   That's my job. The irony is that is that only by successfully and truly believing that this one entry is enough, in and of itself, can I justify the risks of entering this struggle again tomorrow, or the next day.